1. The Four Discomforts

2. New Dreaded Conversations Teleclass

Fearless Communication, the ezine dedicated to reducing leaders' dread about problem people at work from www.dreadedconversations.com and Suzanne Kryder, Ph.D.

If you are new to Fearless Communication, click to access Issue # 1 that has links to your free gifts, the Confident Communicator Workbook, and Chapter One of “Dreaded Conversations at Work: From Conflict to Collaboration.”

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Word count for this issue: 601
Approximate time to read: Just under 4 minutes

When people ask what I do, I say, “I help leaders have dreaded conversations.” There is usually a laugh, then a pause, then a knowing look.

People understand dread, particularly at work.

Just to be clear, I want to explain what I mean by the “dread” in dreaded conversations. This issue of Fearless Communication describes what dread is. Next week, I will explain where dread comes from.

If you think about dread as physical symptoms, you are right, at least one-fourth of the time.

We experience dread in four different ways. I call them the four discomforts:

• Mental discomfort,
• Emotional discomfort,
• Physical discomfort, and
• Behavioral discomfort.

The dread cycle goes like this: the thought “I do not know how to hold Mary accountable for her work” (mental) leads to shame or embarrassment (emotional) which leads to a headache or tight shoulders (physical) which leads to old ways of acting (behavioral).

Then, when you indeed do not hold Mary accountable, the cycle begins over again with self-judging thoughts like, “I knew it. I knew I could not do it. I will never be able to hold Mary accountable. I just do not know how, and I will never learn how. I am a lousy manager...”

These thoughts lead to negative emotions that lead to tension and dis-ease in the body. Uncomfortable emotions and body sensations lock us into old behaviors so that we truly cannot hold Mary accountable.

Since the dread cycle BEGINS with negative thoughts, it is important for you to increase your awareness of these thoughts. Simply notice that negative thoughts exist. Watch them dispassionately like a scientist would watch an experiment.

I do not recommend trying to stop negative thoughts or to replace them with positive thoughts. If that strategy worked, no one would have negative thoughts. There is a saying about trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones: “It is like putting chocolate on dirt.” You can cover it up, but it is still dirt.

I also do not recommend trying to negate a thought like, “I should not think like that,” or “That is a stupid thought. I am a wimp for thinking that way.” Those kinds of thoughts only create more discomfort.

As I explained in one of your free resources, The Confident Communicator workbook, the four discomforts are cyclical. So, I encourage you to become aware of all of the discomforts in order to overcome dread and be a more confident, effective communicator.

(NOTE: Sometimes I switch the order of emotional and physical discomfort in the dread cycle. The order in which you recognize the discomforts does not matter. Simply begin to notice all four discomforts.

And, notice that you are more aware of some discomforts than others. For example, one of my clients is very aware of physical dread in her body but has difficulty hearing her negative thoughts. Another client can hear his negative thoughts, but has trouble sensing his related emotions.)

Developing awareness of the discomforts will increase your ability to manage them. The more you can see the discomforts, the less they run the show. They will begin to exist in the background, and your new assertive communication behavior will be in the foreground.

I would like to hear how well you are doing at becoming aware of the four discomforts. Please email your questions and comments. Click here to contact me.

Would you like ongoing help noticing your discomforts? My teleclass, How to Transform Dreaded Conversations at Work: From Conflict to Collaboration, begins in April. You do not even need to be able to attend in person. Click here for information about the teleclass.

For more tips on how to talk with anyone about anything at work, check out my ebook....”Dreaded Conversations at Work: From Conflict to Collaboration. It is 73-pages of case studies and tips. I am so confident that the information in my ebook will help you overcome dread that I offer an unconditional 100% money-back guarantee.

Best wishes,
Suzanne

Suzanne Kryder, Ph.D.
www.dreadedconversations.com
P.O. Box 35429
Albuquerque, NM 87176 USA
505/232-8433

© 2006 Suzanne Kryder, Ph.D. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Fearless Communication eZine in whole or in part, as long as you include complete attribution, including live web site link. Please also notify me where the material will appear. The attribution should read: