Seven Ways to Quiet the Complainers in Your Workplace

On the way home from a recent client trip, I visited my 83-year old mother outside Atlanta. Managing our unpredictable, human bodies is challenging enough for healthy people. But for an aging woman who survived a terminal cancer prognosis, life isn’t a bowl of cherries.

One afternoon, she caught herself grumbling about life, and self-assessed: “I complain alot.” Her head tilted slightly, and her face softened. She changed her mind. “No, I don’t. I don’t complain much.”

Maybe she’d caught herself complaining about complaining.

One of my jobs as a coach is to point out when a leader complains about complainers. It goes like this:

Leader: “I can’t stand it. Every time he opens his mouth, there's a complaint. Something’s always wrong. I’m sick of it. He’s driving me nuts.”

Me: “What are you doing right now?”

Leader: “Complaining.”

We dread complainers. It’s why we cringe when we see them coming, and why we avoid them at all costs.

But the truth is, there’s plenty to complain about. Isn't there?

Let’s be realistic. Complaining will probably never end, particularly in the workplace. So, instead of giving you a fantasy list of ways to try to STOP complainers, here’s a list of seven ways to quiet them down a bit.

1. Listen. Behind every complaint is an idea, belief, or value that the complainer is committed to. Otherwise, why would she be so upset? Listen for the new idea. And, if you’re not hearing it, ask, “What needs to change?" or "How could things be better?”

2. Relax. Notice where your body tenses in reaction to complaining. Is it your face, chest, stomach, or somewhere else? While you’re listening, pretend you’re at the beach, melting into warm sand. Keep letting go of the tense points.

Just because the complainer is upset, there’s no need for you to suffer, too. And, when you’re relaxed, you can hear and think better.

3. Empathize. A few simple, authentic words can soothe a complainer, and he may lower the volume. “Sounds frustrating,” “You seem mad about it,” or “That bothers me, too.” According to Stone, Patton, and Heen (1999), “you can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction, until the other person feels heard and understood.”

4. Formalize. Elevate complaining to its rightful place in your organization. Hold official BMW (Bellyache, Moan, and Whine) sessions where you ask and even reward your team for complaining.

If it fits your team's personality, encourage people to exaggerate their complaints and be overly dramatic. The group will get a good laugh out of it and probably generate solutions while they’re at it.

5. Limit. Don’t make complaining too much fun, or people will get hooked on it. Hold BMW sessions no more than once a month for 15-20 minutes.

And, when individuals come to your office to complain, explain that you’re willing to listen for five minutes, after which you intend to shift the conversation to solutions.

Some of my clients even tell complainers, “I’m setting a timer for five minutes.” This might sound like a sarcastic thing to do, but it helps complainers be more mindful of their behavior. In Resonant Leadership, Boyatzis and McKee explain self-awareness as "a fundamental component of emotional intelligence that has a positive impact not only on our personal development and well-being, but on the bottom line as well.”

6. Neutralize. Some people complain about everything. After you’ve listened and empathized, encourage the complainer to describe what isn’t broken. Ask questions like, “What’s working?,” “What are you relieved about?,” or “What are you grateful for?” It may sound corny, but mixing positives in with complaints can soften the bite.

7. Solve. Ask the complainer to unravel the problem, and brainstorm potential fixes. Offer to help, but only if you really want to.

Remember, most great inventions grew out of a complaint. Carbon paper smudges lead to the copier machine. Celebrate complaints as the start of something good.

And, try to notice when you complain about complaining. You could even use these seven tips with yourself. Remember, there is alot to complain about!

What other techniques do you use for quieting complainers? Click here to email your comments and ideas about complainers to me.

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